思い出せば。。。

Rain again today. The grandfather clock chimed three times.

All was quiet save for the raindrops falling upon the cottage roof.
~~~
It's fully sunken in. I am finally able to step back and see everything. You're gone... never to return. I'll never see your adorable self or hear you anymore. I am truly alone now. I've lost the only, only one that I can trust and tell everything to. There is no one left I can turn to... no one that's always happy to see me. You've been there for me all throughout my life. When they argued and fought, you were there by my side.  You were the only one that I wasn't afraid to cry to. You were my light in this dark twisted world. Now, I am blind. This darkness is eating me up once more. Every day of existence is torture... I plaster on a happy facade, fooling the rest of the world. But what for? So as not too appear weak?

Alas, I wonder... if I could just have a single day of happiness... where I could forget everything. The past... my worries... everything.... I would give up everything for that day.

"One... two... three... " He counted to himself as he stared out the rain drenched window.

Closing his eyes, he could hear the creaking of the trees battling the rough winds.

The crackling fireplace warmed his cold hands and feet whilst giving the cozy living room a faint orange glow.

Today is a dull day with nothing to do but counting the countless droplets falling from the crying clouds.
...
I am lost without a map, with no means of returning.

hmm... it didn't really sink in during the first few days. but, now i can feel it. that loneliness. it's really killing me on the inside. sadly, nothing will really fill the void... i miss him so damn much. he was truly the only one whom i can trust and tell my deepest thoughts to... since he'll never tell a soul. and now he's probably playing fetch with socrates or euthyphro. alas... if tears were steps to heaven and love, my guide, i would take you back home...

Listlessly falling helplessly.

Autumn leaves shower the ground, forming a carpet of golds, reds, and yellows. Once vibrant branches, now barren.

He took a deep breath. His nostrils were met by the sting of the early morning air that whispered of the fast approaching winter.

The chickadees sing their sweet morning melody, rousing him from the remnants of sleep's enchantment.

Dawn is breaking.

~~~
I wonder, sometimes, if I am right in thinking that all it takes to free myself of this self-suppressing cycle of masochism was letting go of the past. I have made countless attempts, yet all of them result in failure. Perhaps, it is time I went back to the drawing board and devise a new plan. Maybe, I need to add to it. Perhaps, I have to confront the past in order to be able to let it go. So far, all I have done is push it all deep into the bowels of my mind. Not the best of solutions. If only... if only there was a way. I grow weary of fighting this fight over and over again. I am... truly tired, physically and mentally. I wish I could just wake up one day and be free of this burden. To just forget it all. But, alas, that will never be possible. And so I must experience this cycle over and over again, until I am able to find a way out of it. Somehow.

Quietly... quietly. The twilight slowly surrendered to the velvet night.

All was quiet in the grassy field. The boy and his parents had soon retreated back to their abode.

The once vibrant colors, now turned a dull colorless grey. Although its colors have been taken away, its beauty remains.

The willow, the slithering stream that whispers in the quiet of the night, the waves of grass, the clusters of sweet-smelling flowers... need not colors to define their beauty.

... for mother moon provides. Her soft silvery glow gives life to the cool dew, the gift of the night, lighting up the crystalline droplets upon them. The darkness wraps them with her smooth silk... a touch of elegance, a touch of grace.

But not tonight. There is only darkness... for mother moon has yet to finish the journey of rebirth.
-
Sometimes, I really wish I could get rid of all my emotions. That way I wouldn't have to feel anger or sorrow. Each time I feel anger or sorrow, it seems as if I am doing something wrong. And each time when I do become annoyed, angry, or sorrowful... I feel as if I am drifting farther and farther away from any hope of redeeming myself. I have become this horrible person, unworthy of forgiveness because there isn't any toleration for experiencing such emotions. That mantra keeps repeating itself, that I am supposed to have full reign of my emotions. I felt, anger because I chose to feel anger and so forth. I should have been able to choose not to feel angry.  Truthfully, I full-heartedly agree with that... and completely going against all that I have learned in many semesters worth of psychology. Though... I do not apply that to anyone else. Only me. Each time those emotions come forth... there seems to be this tiny voice in my head that tells-pounds into me that I am a horrible person and that its pretty sure that if it was so and so he/she wouldn't have gotten angry or sad or anything else. Guh... I don't even know what I'm saying. This is just the source of my own deep hatred for myself. There I said it. I truly... truly despise myself, perhaps more than anyone else out there who hates me. I just can't forgive myself for all the stupid things that I have done in myself. I can't let go. I don't understand why... gah, I hate myself for this too. I just can't stand myself. Why do I have to be so stupid... so ugly... so damn useless... so weak... so lazy, such a disappointment to my family... just so.... a horrible jerk in general. If I could apologize over and over again for being all these things, I truly would. I would accept punishment any type of punishment for becoming what I have become. Hence... I suppose I have found the reason why I cut and started to cut again... having to feel pain and watch myself bleed is the best punishment of all. Words can only hurt me so far... but this, this is something else. Physical pain. It serves as the bridge to atonement. Each cut cleans me of all my faults. It feels so much better... every time I do it. It's like washing heavily soiled hands with soap... that type of freedom, that type of clean.

Alas... it is only here that I can let out all of this crap and I am happy for it.... since this journal has no mouth to tell anyone these wretched thoughts. I am truly thankful to have a place to dump these thoughts to... -____- as I don't have the heart to tell it to a person.

A lovely sunset. How it begs to be touched. Caressed by gentle hands. Yet, it is out of reach.

So out of reach.

And if one does achieve that feat, that one shall indeed perish. Through its alluring beauty, so tempting, one's life is extinguished.

How delicate a life is. It is amusing how the vessel created to protect and guard the human soul is so frail.

The little child lies in the grass beside his mother. A quiet breeze ruffles his golden hair.
---

I am numb. There is nothing more to say. I just have to swallow all the pain and everything will be alright, from the outside. As long as I am capable of putting up a happy, carefree front everything will be fine. Just fine. I won't hurt anyone or instill sorrow upon them. As long as I am able to function... everything will go smoothly. As long as no one can see those rosy kisses. Everything will be okay. As long as everything is taken care of. As long as dinner is made, laundry is done, clothes folded, favors completed, problems solved,... it will be alright.  As long as I am unbroken on the outside. I will be fine. =)

 

"For you!" The little boy exclaimed, thrusting a lopsided paper boat filled with wild daisies at the squatting man.

The man smiled and reached to pat the boy on the head. Though, his fingers barely touched the golden threads as the little boy quickly dashed toward his mother sitting beside the pond.

The man chuckled to himself and shook his head in an amused kind of way. His eyes drifted toward the horizon. The sun was beginning to set. It was twilight already.

He could hear the melodic shouts and laughter from the little boy echoing in the distance.

The glow of the retiring sun graced every surface with a soft sheen of gold.

The man savored this moment... for who knows when a moment so precious as this will grace itself upon him again.

---
Forget it...

Maybe everything will make sense later.