Quietly... quietly. The twilight slowly surrendered to the velvet night.

All was quiet in the grassy field. The boy and his parents had soon retreated back to their abode.

The once vibrant colors, now turned a dull colorless grey. Although its colors have been taken away, its beauty remains.

The willow, the slithering stream that whispers in the quiet of the night, the waves of grass, the clusters of sweet-smelling flowers... need not colors to define their beauty.

... for mother moon provides. Her soft silvery glow gives life to the cool dew, the gift of the night, lighting up the crystalline droplets upon them. The darkness wraps them with her smooth silk... a touch of elegance, a touch of grace.

But not tonight. There is only darkness... for mother moon has yet to finish the journey of rebirth.
-
Sometimes, I really wish I could get rid of all my emotions. That way I wouldn't have to feel anger or sorrow. Each time I feel anger or sorrow, it seems as if I am doing something wrong. And each time when I do become annoyed, angry, or sorrowful... I feel as if I am drifting farther and farther away from any hope of redeeming myself. I have become this horrible person, unworthy of forgiveness because there isn't any toleration for experiencing such emotions. That mantra keeps repeating itself, that I am supposed to have full reign of my emotions. I felt, anger because I chose to feel anger and so forth. I should have been able to choose not to feel angry.  Truthfully, I full-heartedly agree with that... and completely going against all that I have learned in many semesters worth of psychology. Though... I do not apply that to anyone else. Only me. Each time those emotions come forth... there seems to be this tiny voice in my head that tells-pounds into me that I am a horrible person and that its pretty sure that if it was so and so he/she wouldn't have gotten angry or sad or anything else. Guh... I don't even know what I'm saying. This is just the source of my own deep hatred for myself. There I said it. I truly... truly despise myself, perhaps more than anyone else out there who hates me. I just can't forgive myself for all the stupid things that I have done in myself. I can't let go. I don't understand why... gah, I hate myself for this too. I just can't stand myself. Why do I have to be so stupid... so ugly... so damn useless... so weak... so lazy, such a disappointment to my family... just so.... a horrible jerk in general. If I could apologize over and over again for being all these things, I truly would. I would accept punishment any type of punishment for becoming what I have become. Hence... I suppose I have found the reason why I cut and started to cut again... having to feel pain and watch myself bleed is the best punishment of all. Words can only hurt me so far... but this, this is something else. Physical pain. It serves as the bridge to atonement. Each cut cleans me of all my faults. It feels so much better... every time I do it. It's like washing heavily soiled hands with soap... that type of freedom, that type of clean.

Alas... it is only here that I can let out all of this crap and I am happy for it.... since this journal has no mouth to tell anyone these wretched thoughts. I am truly thankful to have a place to dump these thoughts to... -____- as I don't have the heart to tell it to a person.