The room was silent except for the warm crackling fireplace. Mum and pappy were slumbering on the battered couch. Pip was curled up near the heath, where it provided shelter against the winter cold. She set herself upon one of the wooden chairs settled near the frosted window, staring out into the fast falling snow, her head resting on  the ice cold panes. The smell of tonight's dinner of Gruyere and boiled potatoes lingered in the air. All was still, except for the dancing shadows cast by the glowing embers.

Today had been a busy day, preparing for the Yuletide. Pappy went tree hunting with Pip while she and mum decorated the humble cottage with clippings of mistletoe and evergreen.

The snow-capped mountains have never seemed so inviting.

...
I really hate how I act first and then feel guilty over the consequences.  I have promised myself that I wouldn't act as rashly... but sadly I break that promise every time. And along with that every time, I hold in more guilt and anger towards myself.

Maybe that's the issue, I hold back too many of my emotions, especially anger, since my family looks down upon that. Perchance, I've held it in too long. To a point where I have reached my capacity and I just...snap. But alas, that does nothing but continue the endless cycle...filling up with guilt again and more anger at myself. I doubt I'll ever get out of this... but I believe that I must do something about it since it doesn't hurt just me. I mean it this only affected myself, I could care less...

Today was a splendid day. She went picking lavender for tonight's creme brulee with mum and their Labrador, Pip.

The cerulean sky was without blemish, save for the tiny clouds beyond the snow-capped mountains.The sun basked over the quiet, motionless sea of light purples and deep greens. There was a lone willow tree in the distance, near the pond. Bright green lily pads of various sizes decorated the face of the water. But there weren't any flowers. Once in a while, a light breeze would waltz through, disturbing the stillness of it all.

She was exploring the vastness of the field, holding out her hand to feel every blade of grass. Pip happily chased the unfortunate dragonflies that happened by. Mum was busy picking lavendar, looking up occasionally to check on her.

She stopped. The sight of the willow caught her eye.

...

.___. I'm worrying about something, but I don't know what. It could just be my looming editorial that I've yet to finish or...I just don't know.

He's back in my life again. I don't know whether to kick him out or welcome him back with open arms. I should have just ignored him from the start. I don't want to go through all that drama again. I really don't understand how he can come back and pretend that nothing's happened. All those things he said.... I mean he was the one who told me to "[expletive] off." And I did. I'm tired of all these crazy mind games.

I don't know what he wants anymore. I never wanted a relationship in the first place, I was only there to help. As a friend. Apparently, he took that gesture and twisted it into something else. Perhance, this is all a product of his own doing--his own creation.

Maybe it's not worry. Maybe it's apprehension... fear.

Wow, this place has changed a lot. Actually, many blogging/networking sites have changed during the span of this year. Though, I've noticed that they're all conforming to Facebook. Sites such as this, Gaia, and even Xanga are beginning to offer services like that of Facebook. It's quite odd...:I Darn this conformity... I wonder, come '09, will all social networking sites be exactly like FB?

Anyway, my real reason for posting here is to just let some crap out and get some of my thoughts out of my mind. I am pretty sure no one reads this, so this place sort of serves as my shoulder to lean on or cry on... sometimes. I just don't think it's right to pile my personal problems on other people... as they've already their own problems. It's tough... talking to myself... all this circular logic that leads to nowhere. But, it's a release, and that's all I  need for now. I know this won't offer any help for me... nor will this fix me... but at least this will make hiding what I am a bearable task.

I haven't really changed at all. I am still who I am eight or so years ago. I'm still as messed up as I ever was, but now I'm just betting at hiding everything, I guess. I am still afraid to trust people, to get close to them. I am still afraid of love...

I really don't know what to think right now. I feel like shit. I feel as if I am just a puppet. A puppet to my own guilt. I don't even know where that guilt's coming from.

It's so weird, though. I'm fine when I'm around people, but when I'm alone... all these thoughts come rushing in. Then that wave of guilt and depression takes over me and I am just left incapable of anything really. It's strange to actually type this out, forcing myself to read this. It's kind of like looking into a mirror. Painful reality, staring back at you.

...

I can't do this. I want to let it out, but I can't. It's been too long. The stopper is stuck in the bottle. Maybe this is a blessing in diguise. Surely, it must be.

...

I guess that horoscope I read from the paper was right. I throw myself in other people's problems so that I won't have to deal with my own.


maybe you are better than me. i should try to be more like you. though, sadly, we aren't too different from each other.